WHAT IS THIS FEAR YOU SPEAK OF?

I think I've read every book, article and blog, watched every YouTube video, spoken with every triathlete that I've met, and I'm still trying to understand this "fear" that I constantly drone on about. No one can give me a straight answer on it.

What frustrates me most is that I want to know specifically, what my fear is. If truth be told, I STILL haven't figured it out yet. And there's some little part of me that believes if I can understand exactly what the fear is, then I can cope with it and overcome it.  You know, I can finally slay the dragon.  But not knowing? Why that's just plain old frustrating!

This frustration probably plays into my A-Type personality. Always the worrier, always the anticipator of things to come, always the controller of my destiny. I've visualized my impending (and first) triathlon a million times so far. I've visualized everything, from packing my gear, to crossing the finish line. And I've tried to visualize it in a positive light, because if it turns out to be a not so positive experience, well that's going to bode VERY badly for any future race. If there even is a future race at that point!

My niece recently asked me why I panic in the water.  I couldn't even tell her the laundry list of ideas that go through my head. Oh, lets see; drowning, claustrophobia, darkness, getting kicked by another swimmer, getting out of breath and having no place to stop and rest, someone whacking me upside the head, someone grabbing onto me, getting a cramp, not being sure I can complete the distance...yup, yup, yup, there's all of that, PLUS more!  Oh and sharks? Ha, they don't even cross my mind. No seriously they don't. Strange I know!

I can only explain it as being similar to having a claustrophobic attack. And as far as I know, I'm not even claustrophobic! Its the combination of darkness and not being able to get air whenever you want, that messes with my head. That, and the thought that maybe my technique and endurance aren't enough to get me through the race.  So I guess I also question my physical ability as well.

Does the fear vary from person to person? For some reason I think it does vary slightly from person to person but there is a similar theme to many of our fears. I would love to know what goes through your mind (yes, you the one reading this) that causes you to have a swim panic attack. Does the act of putting your face in the open water cause you to start breathing rapidly? Or, is it something else? Or is it a combination of things? Is it a bad past experience or an unknown, unidentifiable cause for you? And how do you deal with it once your out there in the middle of a race?

Someday, I hope to better understand the psychology of the Open Water Swim. But until then, I'll just keep backstroking, floating, singing Let it Go (yes, that song specifically), counting and holding on to a buoy to get me through my panicked state.  And I guess I'll have to accept that we all need "a moment" sometimes.